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Riding on the Metro - A little less than a happy high
komos
komos
Riding on the Metro
Under the best of circumstances, an overcrowded train makes for an uncomfortable commute. Even if you're fortunate enough to score a seat, you still have to deal with umbrellas dripping on you, the snuffling masses who refuse to resort to tissues, and the occasional crazy who will insist on informing everyone in the car about his theories about mind control satellites, professional sports conspiracies, and flouridated water supplies. (No, not me. I tend to limit sharing my crazy ideas to friends.) Any of this is expected, and each is colorful reminder of the hazards of shared space.

The worst is having to deal with the leaners. On the Red Line, the rows of seats are interrupted by crossbars where the doors are, and these crossbars are tempting spots for a leaner. A leaner will shuffle in and proceed to unceremoniously plant his or her rump on that bar. If you are unfortunate enough to be in that end seat when a leaner enters, you are forced to deal not only with having a complete strangers ass in your face, but also with the fact that you are in essence being sat on. For all intents and purposes, the leaner spends his entire ride rubbing his ass against your shoulder. I am by no means squeamish, but this isn't something I really want to deal with on my morning commute.

I know it could be worse, but had some guy been instead rubbing his bulge against my shoulder, I think I'd be fairly justified to throw my coffee at him.

I'm just sayin'...
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Comments
(Deleted comment)
komos From: komos Date: January 26th, 2005 04:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'd prefer to be able to give them a brief glimpse of the nature of reality... either that or spit acid.

I haven't quite decided.
(Deleted comment)
komos From: komos Date: January 26th, 2005 05:03 pm (UTC) (Link)
Maybe I could mount a variant on the deer whistles you mount on your bumpers to scare woodland creatures away from the road?
sassyinkpen From: sassyinkpen Date: January 26th, 2005 05:17 pm (UTC) (Link)
That's what all those people ranting about mind control satellites are doing...
komos From: komos Date: January 26th, 2005 05:32 pm (UTC) (Link)

I don't know my own strength

Reacting to my mind bullets? I must be some kind of wild talent or something.
sassyinkpen From: sassyinkpen Date: January 26th, 2005 05:43 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: I don't know my own strength

No no...they're fending off the leaners - crazy style. For you - I would suggest a Viking helmet
komos From: komos Date: January 26th, 2005 05:44 pm (UTC) (Link)
How about a jaunty beret?
sassyinkpen From: sassyinkpen Date: January 26th, 2005 05:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hrmm....That might tend toward encouraging them. Especially when combined with the phrase, "Hey, do you work out?" (Depending on the leaner of course)
komos From: komos Date: January 26th, 2005 05:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
It's never the cute ones. Never.
prosicated From: prosicated Date: January 26th, 2005 06:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
You should get the beret to spit acid, too. Double whammy, and all.
Or perhaps the little top knot on the beret should detach and extend so that you have a spinning weapon that spells ass-death. But phrased more poetically than ass-death, of course.
komos From: komos Date: January 26th, 2005 06:48 pm (UTC) (Link)

I need a pack of ninja-mimes, too.

What if it were literally to spell "Ass-Death"? Like... in the air with colors and lights?

That would be so frickin' hard core. ^_^
prosicated From: prosicated Date: January 26th, 2005 07:08 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: I need a pack of ninja-mimes, too.

toxic, and seizure inducing lights and colors, maybe.
Or perhaps they'd emit some kind of gas rendering many a "leaner" unable to lean...

Or the ninja-mimes could just enforce your personal space with a glass box of doom routine.
komos From: komos Date: January 26th, 2005 08:34 pm (UTC) (Link)
Ninja mimes are now officially my favorites.

Glass box of doom? Brilliant.
From: uruz Date: January 26th, 2005 05:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
This is where it's good to be a tactless jerk, because, even in New York City, somehow everyone manages to keep a bubble of personal space around them. Why? Because of the word "asshole."

"Hey, asshole, back the fuck up."

"Hey, asshole, get your ass out of my face."

"Hey, asshole, stop dripping your fucking umbrella on me."
^^^ Bonus points for using a different expletive in the same statement!
komos From: komos Date: January 26th, 2005 05:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
I've had the same sorts of things happen to me on the NY Subway. My experiences there were largely determined by the inclination of the offender. I think someone who gets called "asshole" often enough eventually becomes inured to its effects.

For the leaners, I prefer to say something akin to "Man! I haven't gotten this much action since the Gulf!" or "Hey, do you work out?"
From: uruz Date: January 26th, 2005 05:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
"Man, someone's ass smells like roses!"

(sorry about the mispost from the other LJ account. I forgot I was doing stuff for my Cam character. blush.)
komos From: komos Date: January 26th, 2005 06:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
Now you're getting it.

Geekery?? For shame, man.
teddywookie From: teddywookie Date: January 26th, 2005 07:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
Rhymes With Orange

Cheese jokes can be good for coming down off of an assal encounter.
komos From: komos Date: January 26th, 2005 08:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
One day, I'll be able to say that I'm the Pumkin King! I'm a cheese whiz.

That'll be cool.
wildflowersoul From: wildflowersoul Date: January 26th, 2005 07:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
When asses bump into my personal space, I give a sharp little jab with my elbow. The elbow of justice usually works wonders.
komos From: komos Date: January 26th, 2005 08:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
Mr. "I'm going to stand here as long as I can look down your shirt" should have met the Elbow of Justice.
wildflowersoul From: wildflowersoul Date: January 26th, 2005 08:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
I hope Drunky McDrunk had himself a good thrill from that. Seriously, I thought I was dressed very conservatively! though I am the only volunteer who made tips that night...
komos From: komos Date: January 26th, 2005 08:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
Never underestimate the drunken male's ability to get an eyeful. They's tricksey.
From: corvus_coronis Date: January 26th, 2005 07:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
In that kind of situation there's just two words You'd need to know: stun gun. & also dont forget, while bulges are more hard-core(privacy invasion-wise)than asses, at least they generally dont fart...
komos From: komos Date: January 26th, 2005 08:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
From: corvus_coronis Date: January 26th, 2005 11:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
Ahh yes, that *nods* also said to be common complaint among school & religious teachers, I was once attending a post-college writer's group whereone of the guys was telling some high-school survival tales, and when he got to the part where a teacher he had was doing this against the student's desks, nearly all of the other guys (who each went to different schools) piped in with much the same story to tell.
komos From: komos Date: January 27th, 2005 12:21 am (UTC) (Link)
It's an epidemic! And really, there's nothing good to be said about unwanted contact with someone's monkey bits.
rciaodree From: rciaodree Date: January 28th, 2005 04:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
There was this barber in my college town from whom you couldn't get a haircut without him giving his package a workout on your arms, shoulders, and cheeks. He was very cheap and efficient, though, so it was a trade-off. I didn't have any coffee to throw at him, and he had clippers and scissors at hand in any event. He smelled of menthol, barber disinfectant, and Bazooka Joe.

Oh dear, I fear I've strayed from the topic at hand.
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