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Fables and reflections - A little less than a happy high
komos
komos
Fables and reflections
Just for kicks, I've taken a few of the "What kind of lover are you?" tests that have been making their way across my flist. If it weren't for the fact that I know that have a tendency to answer in a deliberately contrary way whenever I feel like the test is asking a leading question, I would probably be really quite discouraged. As it is, having several tests tell me that I am categorically unfit for a relationship, or at least unfit for a relationship where I'm apparently supposed to strew rose petals across her path so that her feet don't ever have to rest on cold tile, is starting to work on me a bit.

The trouble? It lies in the fact that there is a kernel of truth in that evaluation. While I don't believe that I'm the cur that the tests make me out to be, I do readily acknowledge that the idea of a capital-R relationship is a... let's say challenging concept for me right now. I won't be so over-dramatic as to suggest that "I don't think I can ever love again," but I do think that the circumstances behind my last couple of goes of it have left me sufficiently unbalanced that I should really take the time to make sure I know what it is that I want and, even more importantly, who I am. I've recognized for a long while now that I tend to go chameleon within relationships, and this is really a problem. While this has worked (somehow) in a couple of relationships where she and I were mostly on the same page, having spent the past several years less one with someone who was controlling, unsure of herself, and more than a little prone to histrionics has fostered some decidedly bad habits in me.

Don't get me wrong. I've no intention of this turning into a screed. I fully acknowledge that whatever seeds were laid, I am responsible for not ripping them up, if not for outright nuturing them. It's just that it has become necessary to hack my way out of the resulting jungle, and I've not yet proven up to that task. Where things become really interesting here is that in the face of this, I've become increasingly convinced that my apartment has a mold problem that's severe enough to trigger my allergies. Coincidence?

No worries... I'm not drepressive or anything. I'm just thinking on things and considering next steps.
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Comments
khep From: khep Date: December 2nd, 2006 06:55 am (UTC) (Link)
I've recognized for a long while now that I tend to go chameleon within relationships

I think that's one of the smartest evaluations anyone can ever make, and I think once it's been made and you're fully conscious of it, you get through the BS that much easier. It's like a magic filter.
komos From: komos Date: December 2nd, 2006 02:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
Is it odd that I worry that I'm actually filtering the magic?
cinemama From: cinemama Date: December 2nd, 2006 02:11 pm (UTC) (Link)
Being bad at relationships and being in bad relationships are two different things. Just don't lose track of yourself in the process.
komos From: komos Date: December 2nd, 2006 06:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
For a minute there, I lost myself.
From: lastcallforcorn Date: December 2nd, 2006 08:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
good for you. i feel like you are absolutely heading for something solid. now there's something to look forward to if ever there was...

there's no wrong way to where you need to be, though some ways are longer than others. slog on, friend. i think greatness is ahead.
schizohedron From: schizohedron Date: December 3rd, 2006 12:42 am (UTC) (Link)

Bathroom shriekers!

Two days after cleaning up a toilet-tank leak, I had mushrooms growing from the base of the bathroom doorjamb. I can only speculate as to how those spores got in there, and what other fungal wonders wait to awaken at the touch of moisture. Thankfully, I suffered no health effects from the wee shrooms or the more traditonal mold that spotted the wall behind the toilet tank. I am curious how large the shrooms would have grown.

Is any of this mold visible? Mine was limited to the loo, so sanding the afflicted areas and using Lysol was enough to halt its advance. Not sure how liable landlords are for this sort of thing, especially because the increasing appearance of home mold problems in the news (and the way the litigation industry is latching onto "black mold" horror stories) may have made them skeptical.
From: ex_cayetana730 Date: December 3rd, 2006 06:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
unfit for a relationship where I'm apparently supposed to strew rose petals across her path so that her feet don't ever have to rest on cold tile, is starting to work on me a bit.

Maybe you just don't want her to walk on thorns.

Seriously, the point is that you approach this differently than that eHarmony guy. And learning about your approach will help lots. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this challenge, that you can't be the durr guy who is happy to shove around boxes of chocolate. But it's indicative of other aspects of you, and its what we like about you. Anyway, just a note of support.

Also, did you intend this post to be public? Just checking.
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