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A little less than a happy high
komos
komos
Who let the goth out?
I’m trying to kill myself.

Before you start, rest assured that I’m contemplating nothing so dramatic as the self-burnination occasionally used by distraught Buddhists or so memorable as the the Easy-Plath Oven. I’ve long since decided that I’m not selfish enough just to off myself. Whether this is just a convenient excuse for lack of courage in the face of oblivion remains a nagging question in the back of my mind, but the conclusion remains the same. No overt suicidal tendencies for me.

The problem is that I’ve not been contemplating my self-destructiveness at all. Really, it is far more insidious, operating at the edges of my consciousness and moving deliberately and purposefully towards my inevitable and untimely end. It seems very simple, really. Parts of me are doing their very best to avoid becoming. The self is undermined, given over to habits bred of fear and then more fear.

When I’m aware of it, I can chart its progress in terms of an intertwining web of opposites. The opposites being things I do that I know do not serve me. Why is it that I engage in habits that encourage sleeplessness which fosters overeating, a lack of focus, and self-isolation which in turn all lead straight back to sleeplessness? It is this self-destructive principle at work.

I’m not even sure what it is that I’m afraid of. Change perhaps. Change has always brought with it heartbreak and disappointment. In this state I’m in, I try to foster the disappointment and control it. I keep my worst fears close so they don’t spring upon me later. (Surprise!) Instead, I survive them every day and perpetuate them for tomorrow. I exist on the cusp of my own worst-case scenarios.

Living this way is eating away at me.

It seems change is in order, but I’m certain that I’ll need to deal with more heartbreak and disappointment to achieve it. New wounds to be inflicted, a way to heal the whole. Mostly, I just can’t face the idea. The choice is coming, though. Again I think in terms of the inevitable, but really it comes down to striking out on my own path, expectations be damned, or remaining within the dreams of others and slowly putting myself to death.

Bleh. This is why I think I need to get some sleep.

Current Mood: anxious anxious

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Comments
futurenurselady From: futurenurselady Date: October 17th, 2003 05:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
Been feeling this way off and on myself lately. I am going to a shrinky-dink(one of my weird words for pshchologists) because I used to feel so much healthier. There was a time when I would have said "feel better" or somesuch, but it seems hollow now, when I identify so strongly to statements like
"remaining within the dreams of others and slowly putting myself to death" and "Instead, I survive them every day and perpetuate them for tomorrow. I exist on the cusp of my own worst-case scenarios."

Sometimes I find it very difficult to put how I feel into words other than the requisite "good" "bad" "mad" or whatever. Thank you for this entry.

FNL
quislibet From: quislibet Date: October 18th, 2003 07:49 am (UTC) (Link)
I think most people are their own worst enemies. Or at least that's a strangely comforting thought, to think that just about everyone else also has some significant level of self-sabotage.

In general, I try not to identify with goth song lyrics, because it has been a good long while since I was a ridiculous teenager (and I didn't identify with goth song lyrics when I was a ridiculous teenager because I didn't listen to goth songs then, but anyway) -- but that one Siouxsie bit about being "sad yet safe in [one's] afflictions" often makes me at least mentally nod.
wisdom_seeker From: wisdom_seeker Date: October 18th, 2003 02:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
I am still sick, so this may come out somewhat disjointed, but I'm gonna try anyway.

In all the years I have known you, you have reminded me time and again that I must live my life for me, for what I want and need, not the expectations of anyone else. I don't know if you will ever comprehend just how valuable your saying this has been. And so, now, I say it to you: You have spent enough of your life trying to live up to a set of ideals and live a certain role that, I think, is an amalgam of what your Mom wanted you to be, your efforts to not be your father, and what you have gleaned from your knowledge of literature, history, and philosophy to be what a Man should be. Just be you, whoever that is. Yes, you might hurt someone or several people in the short term, but better to do that than live a life that makes you feel like you do in this post. The people who truly care about you will recognize the necessity of the changes you must make and their hurts will heal in time. And maybe you don't know quite who "you" is. As you know, I've been on that search for myself. I have found that those things that are truly me make me happy or feel accomplished. Sometimes, I don't know what those things are until I put my anxiety aside and try them out. And sometimes, the things I try turn out to not be what I want, but then I know myself even better. You can, too. Be you, Peter, just be you.
riverbank From: riverbank Date: October 18th, 2003 06:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
it's a good thing to hear 'live for yourself' but its harder to actually do that. life is struggle, with it's rewards and piles o'crap.
what you've said here, i felt that way strongly not too long ago. i took a couple big risks, got hurt hurt others, learned things about myself, got results that i hadn't planned on. now i'm more apt to take 'opportunities' i would've been afraid to ealier. i think that one can piginhole themselves into what others are telling them they are or should be so far that fear takes over. we need to take steps even small ones to break out of that and onto our own path again.
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