Before you start, rest assured that I’m contemplating nothing so dramatic as the self-burnination occasionally used by distraught Buddhists or so memorable as the the Easy-Plath Oven. I’ve long since decided that I’m not selfish enough just to off myself. Whether this is just a convenient excuse for lack of courage in the face of oblivion remains a nagging question in the back of my mind, but the conclusion remains the same. No overt suicidal tendencies for me.
The problem is that I’ve not been contemplating my self-destructiveness at all. Really, it is far more insidious, operating at the edges of my consciousness and moving deliberately and purposefully towards my inevitable and untimely end. It seems very simple, really. Parts of me are doing their very best to avoid becoming. The self is undermined, given over to habits bred of fear and then more fear.
When I’m aware of it, I can chart its progress in terms of an intertwining web of opposites. The opposites being things I do that I know do not serve me. Why is it that I engage in habits that encourage sleeplessness which fosters overeating, a lack of focus, and self-isolation which in turn all lead straight back to sleeplessness? It is this self-destructive principle at work.
I’m not even sure what it is that I’m afraid of. Change perhaps. Change has always brought with it heartbreak and disappointment. In this state I’m in, I try to foster the disappointment and control it. I keep my worst fears close so they don’t spring upon me later. (Surprise!) Instead, I survive them every day and perpetuate them for tomorrow. I exist on the cusp of my own worst-case scenarios.
Living this way is eating away at me.
It seems change is in order, but I’m certain that I’ll need to deal with more heartbreak and disappointment to achieve it. New wounds to be inflicted, a way to heal the whole. Mostly, I just can’t face the idea. The choice is coming, though. Again I think in terms of the inevitable, but really it comes down to striking out on my own path, expectations be damned, or remaining within the dreams of others and slowly putting myself to death.
Bleh. This is why I think I need to get some sleep.