Kid just loves him some cows (komos) wrote,
Kid just loves him some cows

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Ah, Self Pity

So I’m not in a great mood today. There are a number of things factoring into it, and yes, the drill to the head about the weight issue is involved. (I’m not going to talk about my BMI, thanks.) Largely, though, I’m just feeling kind of useless and can’t motivate myself to do anything constructive. I don’t believe in what I’m doing and have serious doubts that anything I do will have any real effect. The scope of this feeling is all-pervasive, and these statements apply as much to work as they do to my efforts around ‘the great change.’

Discouraged. That’s the word I’m looking for.

I’m seriously wondering if I’m going to keep running Rings tournaments. Yeah, I enjoy doing it, but over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been asking some pretty serious questions about my involvement in the game at this level. The SotC strategic event is in less than a week and a half, and I’m stressed because I’ve only heard from two teams and because the TO of the other event went from talking like an organizer to dropping short clipped posts. It doesn’t help any that YMG has become something of a Rings wasteland thanks to distance and the popularity of Mondays at the GSU. It also doesn’t help that people I thought would be playing on the 17th might actually have rp scheduled instead. I don’t need extra stress, especially over something that’s supposed to be fun.

Yep, discouraged.

So where to go? Keeping “up” in the face of my situation is already like trying to move water with a sieve, and now I’m sitting here watching all my motivation to do so drain away again. Right now, I’m feeling like my best option is to curl into a fetal position and let the world happen in spite of me. Everything I most want to be doing right now I can’t because I’ve been forced into poverty or because I’m too frickin’ out of shape.

Fuck. Fuck-ity fuck-fuck, fuck. FUCK.

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