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Monkey mind, monkey mind. - A little less than a happy high — LiveJournal
Monkey mind, monkey mind.
I’m taking some delight in the fact that the Chinese New Year falls on my birthday this year. Even more amusing, we’re moving into the year of the Monkey, which seems to hold strange portent.

I’ve been having some trouble with this anniversaire since 35 seems to be one of those seminal numbers that inspires all manner of reflection and reexamination. There’s something about the fives that brings ruminations on the state of our lives, our lack of accomplishments, and the sacrifices we’ve made. Such thoughts can be helpful, but more often than not they just send us spiraling uncontrollably into regret. I keep seeing it happen, and I’ve not been an exception.

Our war is a spiritual war.

I find myself trying to reconcile what I’ve done and what I’m doing with this vision of A Proper Life that I was programmed to have. I understand that this vision is not my own, and that, in spite of everything that is fed to me, the reality is a manufactured one. Still, the nagging thoughts remain. Somehow, I should have a stable career path. I should be looking to start a family. I should be engaging in the joys of home ownership. All these things are necessary to be looked upon as an upstanding member of our society, right? One cannot be accomplished if he strays from this well-trod path. I don’t know if it’s for me, but because the programming is so pervasive, it takes a great deal of effort to say that.

The Year of the Wooden Monkey begins, bringing with it the promise of change and new beginnings. Maybe I get to be free.
8 comments or Leave a comment
shutupbetsy From: shutupbetsy Date: January 7th, 2004 10:06 am (UTC) (Link)
I just fucking give up. If I ever thought I was supposed to know anything or do anything by 25, I was delusional. We recently established that for a brief shining moment, namely my junior year of hs to my junior year of college, I didn't have a problem with authority. How to get that back so I can stop mooching off my parents?
sigh. I just stole your crisis.
komos From: komos Date: January 7th, 2004 12:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
It's not so much a crisis, but it has been verging on it. It's crazy, really. I mean, ultimately, the goal should be to live my life, not someone else's expectation for what that should be.

At least that's the theory.

I've recently come back to a place where I find myself mooching off my parents. It's unavoidable, really, though it was difficult for me to admit that I needed the help. Back in the day, I worked very hard to become financially solvent as soon as possible. I've gotten over it, but only after some serious mental wrangling.

One thing to ponder... why is it that there's no perceived issue with children of the wealthy taking handouts from their family? Why is there a double standard there?
riverbank From: riverbank Date: January 7th, 2004 10:32 am (UTC) (Link)
are programs are fuckn' annoying!
i have this- the better life is out there in the distance flee from where i'm at now -thing going on. wherever i am is not interesting enough, other places and lives hold promise of adventure. tho i tend to sit where i'm at and moan instead of chasing. well i did move all the way across the country once didn't change things for the good.
theres my rant.
komos From: komos Date: January 7th, 2004 12:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
Programming blows. If it weren't for the lovely awful things I picked up before I was five, I'm fairly certain that my life would look very different right now. This most terrible thing that parents can pass down to their children is their own fears.

I think there is something to be said for stepping away from situations and starting again fresh. I escaped Maine with that idea, and I think that it's paid off (at least to some extent.) While it's true that you carry a lot of your problems with you, I firmly believe that they can be exacerbated if you remain in the wrong place.
cosmicserpent From: cosmicserpent Date: January 7th, 2004 10:42 am (UTC) (Link)
May you get to be free indeed.
komos From: komos Date: January 7th, 2004 12:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
It will be a stretch, I think, but I'm always willing to listen to the sketchy monkey.

_meej_ From: _meej_ Date: January 7th, 2004 10:46 am (UTC) (Link)

Oh, good; a possible different, positive interpretation for the Year of the Monkey. I was finding it mighty ominous that it coincided with an election year when the Unelected Simian was running for reelection.

Best wishes for the new year and birthday, btw; and from the outside perspective (which, I realize, may be incomplete), you seem to be doing just fine in terms of life direction at 34, so don't let it stress you too much.
komos From: komos Date: January 7th, 2004 12:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
My 34th was a year of recovery, I think, though there was a lot that really needed tending that was left to weed. Everything I did was in fits and spurts, each separated by long periods of adjustment and analysis. It's been hard not getting caught up in the muck, sometimes.
8 comments or Leave a comment