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Customer (Dis)service - A little less than a happy high — LiveJournal
Customer (Dis)service
I was all set to grace you all with deep thoughts upon my triumphant return, but I made the mistake of making a call to for AOL, who have incorrectly decided that I am their customer. I'll begin where the conversation crossed into the realm of the absurd.

– I've got you down as a customer since December, but I don't see any activity on your account.
– That would be because I haven't used your services. I have another ISP I'm quite happy with.
– But if you're given something for free, why would you want to pay for another service?
– Didn't you just finish telling me that I have a $71.00 balance?
– Yes.
– It seems you have an interesting definition of "free".
– Well, the trial was free.
– But I didn't ask for a trial. As near as I can tell, CompUSA decided that I needed AOL and signed me up.
– I understand completely. Let's see if we can't get this cleared up.
– Great.
– [Pauses] Well, I can cancel the account, but because the account is being processed, I can't actually do anything about the balance.
– Because it's being processed.
– Correct.
– Could you define what "being processed" means?
– Your account is being billed and we won't be able to access the file for 6-7 days.
– Seven days?
– Correct.
– Is this part of a batch file or something?
– I don't know what you mean.
– The "processing"... is it part of a batch file? Are my records inaccessible because they are part of a series of records that are processed all at once. A batch.
– I don't know, sir, and if I did, I couldn't share that information with you.
– A system that submits batch files to financial institutions is hardly a state secret. I'm just trying to understand why I need to wait a week to get this cleared up.
– I can't share that information with you. It would be revealing a part of our billing process.
– Right now, it appears that your billing process involves charging people for services they didn't purchase and then running them around when they attempt to correct the problem. If I call in seven days, can I get some sort of guarantee that my records will not still be in the mysterious state of "being processed"?
– It should be finished, but I'm going to tell you what I tell everyone with this problem - it all depends on how much you want to help yourself.
– So let me get this straight. I have an account I didn't request, carrying a balance for services I didn't use, and not only am I told that I need to call back in a week, but there's no guarantee that I can get this corrected when I do?
– I didn't say that. What I said was it all depends on how much you want to help yourself.
– I hope you're not still wondering why I didn't want an account with you...
8 comments or Leave a comment
clayrobeson From: clayrobeson Date: June 3rd, 2004 08:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
"How much you want to help yourself?"

That's grounds for a cock punch right there.

Fuck off and fix the problem, phone jockey.

alex_victory From: alex_victory Date: June 3rd, 2004 09:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
Seriously, I find that phrase awfully creepy. Are there steps you can take BEYOND calling them and yelling at them? Was he asking for sexual favors? I mean WTF?

I can understand if he's in a situation where he actually can't fix it -- I've been there -- but how do levels of want factor in? I'm just baffled.
quislibet From: quislibet Date: June 4th, 2004 08:25 am (UTC) (Link)
I, too, fail to understand what he meant, unless it was code for "we won't do anything at all unless you keep calling."
guitarcries From: guitarcries Date: June 4th, 2004 09:56 am (UTC) (Link)
I too am scared. He makes them sound like Big Brother or something.
technocowboy From: technocowboy Date: June 3rd, 2004 11:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
Wow, lucky you for getting to deal with the folks from the short bus.
canonfire From: canonfire Date: June 4th, 2004 03:50 am (UTC) (Link)
– I didn't say that. What I said was it all depends on how much you want to help yourself.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.?!!!!!!

"I'm really displeased with AOL."
"Put down the gun, sir! How much do you want to help yourself?"
"I'm going to kill you if you say that to me one. more. time."
"I understand that sir, but how much do you want to help yourself?"
"I'm sorry. But now I have to kill you."
mudguts From: mudguts Date: June 4th, 2004 06:51 am (UTC) (Link)
– I hope you're not still wondering why I didn't want an account with you...

that made me laugh.

at least they didnt say "i have a puppy".
welcome home.
hieeee From: hieeee Date: June 5th, 2004 02:48 am (UTC) (Link)


since reading your post several minutes ago, i can't seem to stop laughing. the absurdity of it all has got me on the verge of hysteria, i swear.

oh and? i missed you.
8 comments or Leave a comment