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A little less than a happy high
I never seem to be able to balance the things that make me feel fulfilled. It's not lack of time that does me in. In fact, I seem to have plenty of time that could be filled other than it is. It's more like my equilibrium is off. I end up using up energy and motivation at a quicker rate than I think I should. I need more downtime than feels right.

I'd be more willing to accept this about myself if it weren't for the fact that for everthing I begin to do, and begin to do passionately, there's another thing that suffers. Sure, I can say happily that I'm cooking again, but I've also not been in the studio for three weeks. I'm writing again, but not corresponding with anyone, and from time to time I deliberately isolate myself from my friends. I can't even begin to talk about exercise or some kind of martial practice. It's like there's just not enough me to go around.

Perhaps it ends up resting on the high hopes I set on things. I want to be doing things that engage me, and that others will take interest in. There's such an expectation of finding meaning and definition for myself that when I'm faced with even a minor setback (e.g. the light-struck Belgian ale), I stumble and fall flat on my face. Successful experimentation I've got down, but mastery has been incredibly elusive. I'm not terribly proud of my tendency to discourage, and yet it seems like it's something I have to live with for the time being.

Not happy.

Incidentally, yesterday's post wasn't intended to give the impression that I'm a good fencer. Far from it. I'm actually kind of a hack, and I know more theory than I can actually put into practice. The fact of the matter was that the wireboys were, well, not very good fencers, and it just didn't take a whole lot of finesse to beat them.
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futurenurselady From: futurenurselady Date: June 22nd, 2004 07:39 am (UTC) (Link)
Sometimes people who hold themselves to high standards overfocus. It sounds like you want to do what you are doing so well that you just do that thing.

I know where you're coming from.
komos From: komos Date: June 24th, 2004 05:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
I am by far at my best when I'm not worrying over outcomes. It's then that I'm most present and able to feel the flow of things. As soon as my head moves from that, everything goes out of whack.

It's kind of where I'm sitting.
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komos From: komos Date: June 22nd, 2004 11:21 am (UTC) (Link)

Wherein our hero continues to backpedal, much to the amusement of his audience

I didn't mean...

But I...


Yeah, now I'm embarrassed.
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komos From: komos Date: June 22nd, 2004 11:38 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Embarrased?

No, just that there's an insult there at all. To be fair, though, I don't recall any ladies in their group.

At any rate, I apologize.
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komos From: komos Date: June 22nd, 2004 02:00 pm (UTC) (Link)
I just have issues with upsetting people, especially people I like. Every time I sit down to write I end up wrestling with the internal censors or at least feel like I should put a disclaimer at the head of any given post. The frustrating thing is that a good portion of what I start never gets finished.

Really, though, I'm just in a bit of a state today.
wisdom_seeker From: wisdom_seeker Date: June 22nd, 2004 10:33 am (UTC) (Link)
I think finding balance is one of the most difficult things that any human can set out to do. I'm still working on it, as are most of the people whose journals I read, most of the people I work with, and most of my "real-world" friends. Heck, when I think about it, I can't honestly say I know anyone who has truly achieved and maintained balance. No matter how balanced a person appears, there is always something that they seem to feel they could be doing more/less of. I think it's one of those things that makes us human. Something that we strive for, but don't necessarily ever achieve.

Nonetheless, you do seem to have more balance in your life than you have had in the past. You have found activities that you really enjoy (brewing, cooking, potting, being with friends, and writing) to balance against the daily grind. Now, you have to find the balance among those activities. Knowing how much of a perfectionist you are, I suspect you will always feel slightly off balance, but I do think you will get to a more balanced place. (There is something to the notion that humans need something to strive towards.)
komos From: komos Date: June 24th, 2004 05:52 pm (UTC) (Link)

I'm deprogramming

Ah, but there's more to it that that, I think.
From: skygoodwill Date: June 27th, 2004 11:40 am (UTC) (Link)
Its about choice. Its about knowing who you are. Its about knowing how things affect you on varying levels. Its knowing what crushes you and what doesn't. Its knowing what 'engages' you and fills you with love and light that builds and helps you grow.

But I mean, if you like the crushing... If you like being destroyed, it will take time to recover to do other things.

Its about choice. And knowing what the hell is going on.

The heart always knows. Its the mind that has a vested interest in the re-traumatizing. Varying reasons... but a most compelling one is that when one has gone through enormous challenges, in that moment in time, we grab onto what ever we see around us, and whatever is left within us and we pull ourselves up. Dastardly, sometimes, the very thing we grab hold of is the one that pushed us down in the first place - and now with the honoured place as the - "most loyal" and the "was always there" - will forever get the wonderous opportunity to do the pushing one down over and over and over and over again. Its about choice, making decisions based on one's thriving and success - not on one's survival. As soon as you find you are doing something based on what someone did for you in the past and it doesn't feel good to do it, know you are being taken advantaged of on a deep psychological level. But then again, you let them.

Its about choice. And what does it have to do with getting things done that you want to do - yes all the things that are healthy for you? - ENERGY.

Negative energy drains you. Interacting with it drains you. Doing something with negative energy drains you, those around you, and what you are doing cannot sustain itself UNLESS you do what most negative energy people do... live off other people's positive energy to sustain their lives.

Positive energy is how everything gets done and sustains.

Advice: WAKE UP and makes changes asap. The walking zombie thing is not working for you. You are alive, you made it... so for Christs Sakes, live intelligently if you can't do it lovingly.
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