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A little less than a happy high
In the silence and darkness
I'm sitting here and realizing that insomnia is going to be a problem tonight.

There's an interesting twist, though... I'm not in a place where I feel too much of the world with me. I'm not filled with angst or despair. I don't feel like my world is spinning out of control or that I'm going to be buried under financial debt. If anything, my evening was kind of fun, if anti-climactic. I just feel restless. I'm tired, but I don't want to sleep. It's past midnight, and I know full well that I should head upstairs and at least lie down to read until fatigue overwhelms me.

And yet I'm sitting here in front of my monitor, thinking about random things. I'm contemplating all of the stuff I need to do at work and at home before I'm ready to go away next week. I'm puzzling over Shelby's statements that Shirley Manson is "ancient." I'm wondering why it is that I've never really felt like an adult. I feel like I should be doing something productive with my time while I'm in this state. Cleaning maybe. Paying bills. Coming up with a plan for my life.

I wonder if this is how Tyler Durden got started.

Bleh. I've got to go do something else. This is way too self-indulgent and pointless. Send me good sleepy vibes.

Current Mood: moody moody

15 comments or Leave a comment
guitarcries From: guitarcries Date: April 29th, 2002 10:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
I know the feeling. As my computer's network connection isn't working, I'm sitting here at my roommate's desk using her computer. I keep zoning out and staring at the gross mess on her desk and the photos of her friends and family on the walls. Even if I didn't know her I could tell so much from her computer and desk area. She is a maximalist, everything is done to extremes and all the accessories are purchased.

These things run through my head when I should be working on a Macbeth paper, reading Faulkner, or at least cleaning up my own less messy but still unorganized desk. Or sleeping.

Perhaps because it is easier to get lost in her life and think about her problems rather than mulling over my own?

Oh, and by the way, the chamomile tea is working out splendidly. :)
komos From: komos Date: April 30th, 2002 06:55 am (UTC) (Link)
Easier to mull over other's issues? Isn't that always the way?

I've always been amazed that I am able to see straight to the core of someone's problem and come up with a viable solution, yet am entirely incapable of that clarity of thought for myself.

I'm glad the tea worked for you. It's always been one of my favorite remedies.

From: missmelysse Date: April 29th, 2002 11:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
I think you're allowed to be self-indulgent in your own journal. It's sort of the point. To work out the self-indulgence in a safe medium, and all.

komos From: komos Date: April 30th, 2002 06:46 am (UTC) (Link)
Self-indulgence can constructive or destructive, depending on how it was used. Like a glass of fine wine, it is morally neutral. In some cases, the wine is merely the perfect accent to accompany an otherwise splendid meal. In others, it is a gateway to unchecked debauchery.

I don't think that I was off to that much of an extreme, but sitting up staring at my screen and, most importantly, not enjoying the exercise was just another excuse to stay awake. I really do need some sleep to function. :)
khourytamarisk From: khourytamarisk Date: April 30th, 2002 06:34 am (UTC) (Link)

Shelby's wrong....

Shirley Manson is not ancient. Is the boy blind?
komos From: komos Date: April 30th, 2002 07:10 am (UTC) (Link)

This is what he pays me for

I have no idea. Between the "people should not continue rocking past 40" assessment and his insistence that she looks "ancient and worn out," I was quite baffled. She'll be turning 36 in August, and while her new look is striking and severe, I think she has as much appeal she did when when Garbage was released in 1995.

I guess it could be argued that someone who's popular career began when she was 29 is old when held to the standards of the cult of youth and compared to the typical 22-23 y.o. musicians who flood the airwaves with their incredible sameness.

Ach, but I'm turning into a bitter old man... Get off my lawn, ya damn kids!
khourytamarisk From: khourytamarisk Date: April 30th, 2002 07:41 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: This is what he pays me for

Not to bring up the nasty subject of age, but I'm younger than both you and Shelby and I still don't think that Shirley Manson is old. Hell, my mom's going to be 60 this year and I don't think she's old either.

It's all a matter of perspective, I suppose. Age isn't a number, it's a physical & emotional state of being.

Though I did like her with the long-ish red hair more than the white-blonde crop she's got now.... Eh, she's still cool.
komos From: komos Date: April 30th, 2002 08:13 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: This is what he pays me for

During my protests last night, Shelby asked, "Have you SEEN her lately?"

"Well, yeah... she signed my cd on Saturday."

I think age is a number. It should be representative of experience and (hopefully), maturity. My problem lies in the cultural assumptions around being washed up if you've hit a certain age... "You must be married by X." "If you haven't found a career by Y, you're hopeless." "There's no way you can do [that] anymore because you're Z." These cutoff age assumptions have been more damaging to our collective psyches than any 70y.o. who insists on pursuing his love of skydiving.

I liked Shirley's long-ish red, too. ;)
khourytamarisk From: khourytamarisk Date: April 30th, 2002 09:16 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: This is what he pays me for

My problem lies in the cultural assumptions around being washed up if you've hit a certain age...

I agree completely....which is why I feel age isn't just a number. When I was in high school I was hardly ever carded for cigarrettes, and people assumed that I was in my twenties when I was 16. I was how I carried myself, and the simple fact that I didn't act like the majority of high school females.

I was older then than I am now. I, now, think I act a bit closer to my actual age. My maturity level hasn't suffered because of this, but I find myself not feeling as dragged down as I used to feel. I feel like more options are open to me now than ever before, and, I think, that has to do with feeling more my actual age instead of older, which is the way I felt when I was a teenager.

I don't know. Maybe I'm unique in this reasoning, maybe I'm not. But I do know that when I wake up and my arthritis or allergies aren't bothering me, I feel like I did three years ago and my whole outlook on life (for at least that day) changes. Age is a physical and emotional thing for me. The actual years don't matter to me except in a legal sense.

Which might explain why I have more friends that are older than me than younger, and why I have always preferred to date men older than myself.

Eh, I'm rambling. Must eat lunch now...
From: (Anonymous) Date: April 30th, 2002 01:45 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: This is what he pays me for

Wow, I certainly did not intend to cause you grief with my comments!

As one who is teased because I tend to skew toward the older end of my friends, I joke about age a lot. Believe me, I don’t believe that 40 is old. In the past my general rule was that my parents could not be old creating a wonderfully moving standard of age that my sister, parents or even myself could never reach. : )

As for Ms. Manson, my comments were based on her appearance at an in-store at the Tower Records I used to work at in ‘98 and at the concert on Saturday. I felt that, although she is not old by my traditional standard, she was looking old. Otherwise it would have been unremarkable.

Grace Slick’s comment that “she does not want to see 40 year olds on a rock and roll stage, even if that 40 year old is me” I thought was short sighted at the time I heard it. However, it does raise some interesting questions about rebellion, youth and age. Honestly, I did not really think about it till I got to see the juxtaposition of Lisa Loeb (34), Shirley Manson (36) and Bonnie Raitt (52).

Trish is right: age is little more than a number, but there are real physiological effects of age like a slower rate of cellular division. Does this affect one’s ability to perform in front of an audience? No, it doesn’t (being up too early and being too far away might, but I liked the performance and thought she coped with the distance well, she was the only performer I saw come down to the audience like that, but I missed Midnight Oil and the second half of Bonnie Raitt).

I am rambling, and work has interrupted my train of thought so many times, I need to stop. I hope you are not terribly insulted or hurt, I really meant nothing against you. : )

komos From: komos Date: April 30th, 2002 02:27 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: This is what he pays me for

No worries... you didn't cause any real grief. Honestly, I was just trying to puzzle through how it was that I had such a different experience than you. Granted, I didn't stay for Bonnie Raitt's performance and so missed the juxtaposition you observed. Still, Shirley Manson's age never once struck me in the course of her performance or afterwards.

I don't disagree with you over your ideas about youth and rebellion, but I do think its possible to grow with one's art and still have it remain relevant and timely. Admittedly, some do it more gacefully than others. While it remains to be seen whether Garbage will successfully adapt in this way, I do think it's a little too early to start questioning whether they're too old to be doing what they're doing.

I mean, heck, Shirley's a mere 2 months older than Björk (and she's one that you don't want to touch.) ;)
guitarcries From: guitarcries Date: April 30th, 2002 05:16 pm (UTC) (Link)

Man, if I look as good as she does at 36, I will start going to church or something. Well not really. But, something drastic to thank the gods!
komos From: komos Date: May 1st, 2002 11:09 am (UTC) (Link)

Personally, if I can manage it, I'm gonna get me a dingo dog and name him Moby... or Ulysses.

'Course, it's really not that far off, so I should get crackin.'
wisdom_seeker From: wisdom_seeker Date: May 1st, 2002 11:20 am (UTC) (Link)

Dingo dog?

I thought you wanted an Irish setter?
komos From: komos Date: May 1st, 2002 11:47 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Dingo dog?

The Irish Setter is what I consider an ideal accessory for a convertible. Dingo dogs are just eminently cool.
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