February 14th, 2002

The gentleman is always properly dressed

As Anticipated

Ah, the second ‘day of the change.’ Not surprisingly, I seem to be well in keeping with my “one step forward, one step (two optional) back” MO. I managed to get through most of my day yesterday as planned. I was productive, kept my mind on what I was doing, ate sensibly, and otherwise kept to the modest plan I set out for myself when I began. Went to play cards while my laundry was in process, and then D showed up with and enormous bag of ‘grandma cookies.’

Oh, the horror.

The last time I saw a bag of ‘that which is not necessarily good for me’ of that size was when a friend in college pulled out a large freezer bag stuffed with herb. She and I got so lit that the thought of shooting off fireworks onto Beacon Street and inside the apartment seemed like a good idea. Anyway, everyone at the table ate too many (with the exception of D, of course…), and I ate too many in spite of finding nuts in them. With a sugar rush going strong and feeling a little guilty for partaking of too many sweets, after I put my laundry away I fired up Arcanum and played until 1AM. So, no gym today, late to work, and feeling a little disappointed over my sudden loss of self-control.

Ok, disappointed but not discouraged. I had anticipated setbacks, especially in the early stages. While I’m getting off to a shaky start, I still have hopes high enough to stave off the negative dialogue in my head. I’m going to continue reporting here since it seems to help me focus. My apologies in advance if I stray too far into the mundane.
  • Current Mood
    mellow mellow
The gentleman is always properly dressed

He told us he was born in 1912.

A diminutive old man got on the C train today with an empty grocery cart and refused a seat because, in his own words, “I don’t like to sit down unless I’m not going anywhere.” Then he started talking to people around him. He told us that he was going to Stop & Shop and took the train so he didn’t have to walk the whole way in the cold. He told us when he was born. He told us that he had been married. He told us that his wife had died, leaving him alone after 33 years of marriage.

I was suddenly struck with a wave of sadness when he shared this. ‘I wasn’t always this lonely,’ he seemed to be saying. But you know in spite of it, he was still out in the world, reaching out to people. I didn’t know whether I should cry or just stand there in awe. Damnable holiday.

I saw my ‘special friend’ today and for inexplicable reasons I was downright chipper. I think she was probably a little optimistic in thinking that I might have turned a corner. I honestly don’t know if I’m coming out of my years’ long depression, and I refuse to get too hopeful because the last thing I need is another dashed expectation. What I can do, and hopefully am doing is trying to get control of the things in my life that I can control. I’m poking my head out of my hole and opening myself (a little) to experience.

Have to see.