April 18th, 2003

The gentleman is always properly dressed

(no subject)

Qu’est-ce que c’est que vous voudriez dire?
I’m not sure. To say anything demonstrates fear. To say nothing, ignorance. It seems a difficult place. I am reeling, suddenly ashamed to think in terms of "me," and yet, here I am again. Je regrette.

Alors, rien?
Hazrat Khan wrote of how the vast majority of people on Earth are asleep. At first, when I read this, I took it as an admonishment to be patient. That was my own hubris. Real understanding came later when I realized that in all likelihood, I was asleep as well. Shortly thereafter came the thought that I had no idea of how to awaken, to push aside the dreams that had held me in stasis and just to open my eyes.

In Chung Kuo there is a story of a Clayborn child named Kim. His life in the Clay was one of constant struggle. As he fought to survive, however, he kept getting a sense of something above, something distinctly different than anything he had known. Pieces of the puzzle kept coming to him, but it wasn’t until he overcame his fears that he was able to enter into that other world.

This other world was just as dangerous and frightening as the first, and ultimately proved to be an artifice, constructed to give order and a certain degree of elegance to the brutality he had seen in a much more primal form. There was a stronger sense of potential there, however, and Kim was able to grow and ultimately to realize his dreams. He was able to travel to the stars, but the road that led him there was by no means an easy one.

Pourquoi comprenez-vous cette histoire comme ça?
I’ve never claimed to be awake.

Ok, that was flippant. More defenses. I have a tendency to do that, to over-intellectualize, or to let communication be stifled by my fears. Kim’s story speaks to me of possibilities, of the potential that lies beyond the soul-gripping fear that holds us in place. I can see beauty. I can perceive interweaving patterns so intricate as to defy explanation. If I could just shake the fear (the conditioning?) that I’m not ready or not deserving, I might actually be able to manifest in a much more complete way. I want this.

Does the way permit the use of "I"? Can it even be said that it does or does not? Way? The Tao? Or perhaps, dhow? The lateen rig always looked like a wing to me. Where does a ship fly?

Qu’est-ce que c’est que vous voudriez dire?
A morning rose, gifted to a stranger known.
A door, open and spilling light into the darkness.
Both, blinding in an eternal moment.

Am I clumsy? Sure. I’ve never used my wings before. I’ve only been vaguely aware that I’ve had them. Excuses, to be sure. Still, there is nothing that’s been said that has meant nothing, or that’s fallen on deaf ears. Your thoughts are beautiful. Are we the same?

What is it that you would like to say?
The gentleman is always properly dressed


My bike will be back on the road this weekend, regardless of the promise of a cold, cold wind. I’m certain that it probably won’t be the most triumphant return to an active lifestyle, but I’m slowly getting the hang of accepting my experience as my experience. This is no mean feat. Once my energy is back up, I’ll probably start practicing basic Pak Hok Pai techniques as well. I don’t know that this will mean a return to the school, but I can say that I have been happiest when I’ve devoted myself to some kind of martial practice. Hell, when I was still fencing, I had one young woman say that I was an embodiment of the term bon vivant for her.

Something else that holds promise is waiting in the wings as well. I was flipping through the BCAE catalogue last night and lit upon the ceramics section. It’s been such a long time since I’ve sat at a wheel making bowl-shaped and vase-shaped lumps, reveling in the way it moved me. A mesmerizing connection. Some of my favorite moments in college came from sitting in the otherwise empty studio creating without judging. I remember listening to the Pixies and dancing with my hands over the surface of the wet clay. I’d leave hours later smelling of earth, looking like I'd hit the business end of a puddle, and feeling fulfilled.

So, um, yeah... there are classes that are beginning in early May, and I think I’m going to try to be in one of them. Swinging the course fees is going to be a little tricky, but if I can be conscientious in other areas, I think I can manage. Some things are just more important than others.
  • Current Mood
    hopeful hopeful
The gentleman is always properly dressed

Holy Crap!

The Commonwealth of Massachusetts actually gave me my tax refund. In other words, I just got half of my tuition for the wheel-throwing class, unexpectedly.

Thank you...
  • Current Mood
    ecstatic ecstatic