November 17th, 2005

Pandas can't talk

I just made you up to hurt myself

Tonight's adventure involved thirty minutes of dry heaves followed by a long shower. I stood there and let the water fall on me until it had turned cold. I wish I could say that I felt better for it, but aside from a few moments' contemplation over the way that water felt as it streamed along my downturned face, the experience left me feeling as hollow and as sick as I had before.

My mind can work at speeds that can be a little disorienting, especially when Mr. Dark comes to play. There's just too much, and the insistence (mine or his... what does it matter?) is that it all be pieced together now. How does one begin to describe the intricate, interwoven patterns when even the smallest element has not been comprehended.

It is of a piece.

All of this is making me sick.


The gentleman is always properly dressed

(no subject)

For what it's worth, Pinky's Famous Pizza is really all that, and they win extra points for having a print of the orginal Godzilla movie poster on their wall. There's even a pie that's named after everyone's favorite giant lizard (for some reason, it has double cheese and double pepperoni). On this trip, I did not have the Godzillaroni, however. I had one of their many white pizzas, the Rebel Without a Sauce, and now having gorged on way too much dairy, I'm feeling a little woogy.

Coping for me has always been a little bit self-indulgence and a little bit self-destruction.

The office relocation has been completed, and while I'm certain that I will miss my windows, I can say that I still have walls, and that's a definite bonus in this space. Also of note is that the process of packing and culling and then unpacking and culling more has kept my mind fairly well occupied for at least part of my days. I even thought to contemplate framing some photos, and maybe even bringing in one of my bowls. I guess this is by way of saying that the black mood isn't all that's left. On the other hand, I'm finding that I'm being incredibly sentimental. I really don't know if it's for being sad so much as just being vulnerable enough to feel things I've had safely locked away. Too much shut away for too long. I came dangerously close to one of my "crying over seeing wildflowers in the rain" moments several times today. Have to see where this all takes me.