Kid just loves him some cows (komos) wrote,
Kid just loves him some cows

You must fight the bear.

So, in case you missed it, last week was pretty hellish. In spite of this, on two separate occasions I was pressed into discussions I really had no energy to entertain. Thinking about it now, perhaps it was because I was having a hellish week that the issues were forced. In each case, the discussion was over why I hadn't or why I wasn't somehow taking care of the other person. I hate discussions like this. I don't appreciate the expectations or the entitlement that's implied with that particular line of questioning.

The results were predictable, and if you'll permit me an analogy here, if you poke an injured bear with a pointy stick, you're not likely to get a very positive response.

That's what's really interesting, though. That I was having a bad time of it was known, and the... I don't know what to call it - fear, maybe... that I was somehow shirking my duties to take care of them got triggered. There were a lot of "Why's?" floating around, and I still fail to see the point of that exercise. If what I've done does not meet your expectations, then what I've done does not meet your expectations. It really is that simple. You will forgive me or not, regardless of how long we belabor the issue with explanations that are unsatisfactory for each of us.

I can assure you that I do regret disappointing people. It's just the way I am, though I can't say that being wracked by guilt and second-guessing myself over my "failures" has made me a better person. To the contrary, it's gotten me stuck in ways that I can't even begin to explain. So yeah, I'm sorry I wasn't how I was supposed to be when you wanted me to be that way, but in many cases, there are be little things like needing to take care of myself that get in the way of meeting your demands.

I'm not sure how much longer I can do this.

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