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I think I died last September - A little less than a happy high — LiveJournal
komos
komos
I think I died last September
In those rare moments when I’m lucid, when I actually stop to feel, moving out from my protective haze, the pain is so intense as to be overwhelming. I feel increasingly desperate and abandoned, unclear on how it is that I’m supposed to make any of this work. The regret and despair are so palpable that they seem almost a physical weight, pushing down on me, forcing my face back under the water. I’m drowning.

There is a growing realization that so long as this thing is with me, I will have no peace. Better, every time I manage to reach something resembling equilibrium, they will find some way to hound me again, throwing me into yet another fit of despair, reminding me of just how much I’ve lost. Sadly, to say that they engage in a kind of psychological warfare is probably giving too much credit. I’m trapped by a bureaucracy that claims an elaborate moral justification for its actions, but really works only to its own ends.

The crazy thing is that what’s been hitting me lately is not that I have a situation that I don’t know that I can live with. No, that’d be far too simple. I’ve been dwelling on the idea that most of you have known me only in the aftermath. No, I can’t say that I was ever a model human being before my karmic wheel spun, but I do think that there was some fundamental difference in me. It makes me incredibly sad that the only person you’ve known has been little more than one of the walking dead. I feel like I should have been a better friend, or at the very least more joyful, more patient, and more alive.

At any rate, I guess this is by way of saying I’m sorry. You may not have any realization of it, but I’ve let you down in ways I can’t begin to describe.

Current Mood: depressed depressed

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Comments
muzzie From: muzzie Date: May 30th, 2002 05:59 pm (UTC) (Link)

Hey.

Here is the thing.

I think I knew you before the shiiite hit the fan, for lack of a better way to say it. Even if I haven't, I consider myself lucky to even know you. You are a guy I want/wish I could spend more time with, I just hate my schedule, and the way it cuts into mutual interests of ours.

Hopefully, that will change in some time, as I seriously enjoy your company. I think back, on a day, down in chinatown (well, it was a night, but still) that I had a ton of fun with you, and Uruz. Perhaps we should do that again sometime...

Muzz
komos From: komos Date: May 31st, 2002 06:52 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Hey.

Now that you mention it, I'm not sure when we met. I've been dealing with this for about two and a half years now, and sadly I'm not remembering any of that stretch clearly. So maybe? I do know that we knew each other prior to September, but I guess I was speaking on a broader scope...

At one point my housemate was talking about having the better part of five years disappear for him, and I think I finally know what he was talking about. When you have a period where you're so distraught that all you're doing is distracting yourself, there's very little that you can remember at the end of it. Everything is hazy and lacks definition, and time whips by as though you aren't even there.

Really, though, thanks. And no worries. There'll be plenty of opportunities to get together. I mean, it's not like I'm going anywhere any time soon.

Still looking for a Baj swordmaster?
From: uruz Date: May 31st, 2002 06:38 am (UTC) (Link)
I don't think you and I would've become such good friends, Peter, had you changed that drastically. You have your problems, and I've sat there and listened, and I wish there was more I could do.

I knew you before September, and I know you now. Or, at least, I thought I did. I've been thinking about why we've drifted apart and not made the attempt to apply some chemotherapy to the cancer that's grown out of our stagnated friendship. Admit it; we've been pretty cold to eachother lately. Why that is, I don't know, but it's gotta stop. You know it, and I know it.

Maybe I'll have the grand privledge of getting to know you again.

Miss ya, buddy.
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