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A little less than a happy high
Everybody knows.
I can measure my life through watershed moments, moments that have occurred at times otherwise occupied with major events. I see nothing oracular or allegorical here. It is simply a way of marking time. It’s another version of the impulse to burn into memory exactly where you were when The Thing happened. Where some will remember exactly how bitter their coffee was on the morning they heard, I remember a bitter drink of my own.

I also remember that the congruence of events makes it possible for me to avoid grieving. This becomes important, though I may not actually explain how.

There’s no real surprise in what happened. The conversation was an old one, based on the tension between her need to be working towards something concrete and my need to be desired for who I am and not what I can give. Perhaps these could have been reconciled had we been in the same place, but not where we were for so long, and now, with it being longer still…

Of course, the new proximity may simply have forced the issue. She’s now in a place that doesn’t feel so alien. She’s also found a great deal of confidence.

At any rate, for all my lack of surprise, there is still a great deal of disappointment, and mostly in myself. Knowing something is for the best doesn’t change the hurt that comes when someone who swore she’d never give up on me does just that. I can’t help but think of this as yet another failure. Sure, I can sit with the What if? scenarios for months if I choose, but really, I’m too damaged and probably too stubborn to salvage it. Right now, I feel tired and old.

For all my complaints, I still love her dearly.

I don’t think I can offer much comfort right now, though.
31 comments or Leave a comment
inahandbasket From: inahandbasket Date: September 7th, 2005 03:39 pm (UTC) (Link)
komos From: komos Date: September 7th, 2005 03:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks. Wish I could make more sense of it.
grey_shon From: grey_shon Date: September 7th, 2005 04:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
"for the best" is rarely any comfort...

i just had a similar situation with a woman who told me i'd never have to move again...my home was in her heart...guess my moving too far away broke that...

and i still love her too

i'm so sorry honey

((big big hugs))

keep breathing

i promise that, while it's small comfort, if you can feel the grieving...it will get easier with time. Any emotion expressed can last 3 hours. An emotion repressed lasts 30 years...
komos From: komos Date: September 7th, 2005 07:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm not sure I've stopped loving anyone that's had a significant place in my life. Sometimes that can be really hard, but I'm not sure I'd change it if I could.

I always fall back to the idea that life is as painful as it is beautiful. This is not always a huge comfort, but it does help keep things in perspective. Mine isn't the only story like this, and it won't be the last difficult thing I go through. It is something, though.

I'll be ok. We all will.

futurenurselady From: futurenurselady Date: September 7th, 2005 04:51 pm (UTC) (Link)

komos From: komos Date: September 7th, 2005 07:34 pm (UTC) (Link)
why_style From: why_style Date: September 7th, 2005 05:26 pm (UTC) (Link)

i probably can't offer comfort either, but here i am fruitlessly attempting to say something

i'll try to make more sense than yesterday - my brain hasn't be fried by the judicial system today. wow, so much change all at once. you're in my thoughts. *uncomfortable man hug?* i've been where you're at, and i know it's not easy. i doubt i could say anything to change the way you feel at all, but as is my nature, i can't keep my mouth shut.

i don't believe relationship and failure have anything to do with one another. sometimes things just don't function even when you really want them to, and it's not about fault or deficiency. heck, even when it does work, it rarely keeps working. it's the nature of relationships, like everything else in life, to end. i know it's trite and doesn't probably help you funcion or really figure anything out, but my advice would be to focus on memories and forget about reasons. there's nothing wrong with being disappointed even if the split was for the best, but you don't need to be disappointed in yourself - just that it didn't work out and apparently wasn't meant to be.
komos From: komos Date: September 7th, 2005 07:34 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: i probably can't offer comfort either, but here i am fruitlessly attempting to say something

See, I've had as much trouble with the "Meant To Be" thing as I've had with the idea of "The One." There's timing, choice, the ability to adapt, the freedom to adapt and a whole host of other things I can wrap my mind around (any of which may be compromised by situation or by internal baggage...) Fate has never been one of them.

It was time to let this go, if only because it was hurting both of us to continue. We both deserve better than we were able to give each other. I can know all of this and still feel a little lost.

And no worries... I appreciate the input.
sun_seed From: sun_seed Date: September 7th, 2005 05:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
i'm so sorry.
i truly feel your pain.

komos From: komos Date: September 7th, 2005 07:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
This too, shall pass. It's just very soon after, and I can't say that one can ever be truly prepared for something like this.
clayrobeson From: clayrobeson Date: September 7th, 2005 06:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
...and my need to be desired for who I am and not what I can give

Just remember that, because you ARE awesome. This is a chance to step outside and take a deep breath of crisp morning air, reevaluate, and choose a path that you might never have noticed before.
komos From: komos Date: September 7th, 2005 07:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
Man, that sounds a whole lot more harsh than I meant it. I've problems believing it, is all.


I'm on the wrong side of 35 and have no plan. None.
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_meej_ From: _meej_ Date: September 7th, 2005 07:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
There's not a whole lot I can say, but... I'm sorry things didn't work out as you'd hoped, but if you're truly feeling it's for the best rather than trying to convince yourself of that, then it is. That doesn't make it any easier to swallow, but it does make it not a failure, at least in this man's eyes; it's what it was.

Now, to completely change the subject, when are we having you over to help me perform bizarre culinary experiments with our fabulous ice-cream maker? Banana-chocolate-chip and blueberry-ginger-clove are already feeling too traditional, and I've got this hankering to try something a bit more bizarre, like Basil or Jalapeno.
komos From: komos Date: September 7th, 2005 07:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
There's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path?

If you've got plans to include any kind of pepper in chocolate, I can get definitely get behind it.
From: corvus_coronis Date: September 7th, 2005 11:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
It can be rough sometimes, *hug*
komos From: komos Date: September 8th, 2005 03:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
It'll get better, though. Right?

I'm going through the normal cycle here, I think. What's interesting is that I seem to be going through it very fast.
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