I also remember that the congruence of events makes it possible for me to avoid grieving. This becomes important, though I may not actually explain how.
There’s no real surprise in what happened. The conversation was an old one, based on the tension between her need to be working towards something concrete and my need to be desired for who I am and not what I can give. Perhaps these could have been reconciled had we been in the same place, but not where we were for so long, and now, with it being longer still…
Of course, the new proximity may simply have forced the issue. She’s now in a place that doesn’t feel so alien. She’s also found a great deal of confidence.
At any rate, for all my lack of surprise, there is still a great deal of disappointment, and mostly in myself. Knowing something is for the best doesn’t change the hurt that comes when someone who swore she’d never give up on me does just that. I can’t help but think of this as yet another failure. Sure, I can sit with the What if? scenarios for months if I choose, but really, I’m too damaged and probably too stubborn to salvage it. Right now, I feel tired and old.
For all my complaints, I still love her dearly.
I don’t think I can offer much comfort right now, though.