Kid just loves him some cows (komos) wrote,
Kid just loves him some cows

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I don’t get angry at the bills I have to pay.

There’s a strange comfort that comes from being able to send money off to your creditors on demand. A walk to the mailbox with fistful of envelopes showing pre-printed addresses and a deep knowing that all of the checks within will be honored is probably not the most profoundly life-affirming experience that you’re going to have. Still, there is a sense of power and control that inevitably comes from being able to send these pieces of paper off. It is an acknowledgement of your place in the world and of your efficacy in it. You can say, in effect, “I may be living hand to mouth, but I am making my way.”

I can see another perspective clearly, too. There has to be some sort of excitement at being able to juggle your creditors, giving them as little as possible for as long as possible, playing one off against another, skipping out leaving a faceless corporation holding an empty bag. Beating the system, if you will. Still, for all its disobedient allure, there’s something that’s empty about it, crazy-making even. As long as I can remember, I’ve been far more sane and far more calm when I don’t have to dodge creditors. It just seems better not to have to worry over the many schemes needed to keep this lifestyle afloat. It takes too much energy and effort. I also have notoriously bad luck, so a deliberate dodging will almost invariably backfire and just cause more problems.

Really, the periods in my life where I’ve fallen behind have not been because I’ve decided that it would be so, but because I’ve gotten so depressed that I can’t keep track of anything. I ended up with a snowballing effect where I was down and so missed payments; which led to late fees, buildup of revolving interest, and nasty calls; which made me more depressed; etc. Better just to avoid it altogether.

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