Gods help me.
Periodically, I kind of get glimmers of what it must be like to actually be present for my own life. Standing around in the cold waiting for the parade, though it seems incredibly mundane, seemed right somehow. Realizing yesterday that I’m actually rather fond of my “special friend” was another moment of this ilk. These glimmers seem so few and far between, though. I was having a difficult enough time accessing what it was to live before the troubles began, so now I’m feeling incredibly crushed. Stupidly, part of me is still waiting for someone to come and bail me out or at least explain how this is all supposed to work. Bleh.
Had a moment yesterday where I started thinking about why it was that I have such a fascination with the martial arts and yet am somehow unable to keep up the practice. I blame my crazy aunt (more on her later, I promise) who took care of a bunch of kids but meted out severe punishments if we engaged in any sort of rough housing. Imagine, if you will, a gaggle of 6 and 7 year-old boys told not to wrestle at all. I ended up with this weird dissociation with things physical, so now I’m like a dog that’s been muzzled.
A confession: I’ve thrown one good punch in my life, and I was in second grade when I did it. I’ve regretted it ever since, too. It was impulsive and the kid didn’t deserve the treatment he got from me. It still makes me sad when I think about it. So there you have it. I’ve had brief stints in fencing, muay thai, judo, and kung fu, and I seriously doubt I could fight my way out of a wet paper bag. That’s just weak, but it gets worse. I suppose this is only loosely connected, but I end up feeling this muzzling in most everything I do. I’ve so many hang-ups about propriety and just not looking stupid/foolish/angry/mean/evil/lecherous that I basically do nothing. I’ve got impulse control, sure, but what frickin’ good is it doing me?
You know what the craziest thing is? I actually feel like I need to apologize because I am somehow abusing the bounds of LJ. This should be lighter and more entertaining, right?
It strikes me as funny that whenever I hit the friends link on LJ that I am given the "Peter's Friends" page. One of these days, I really need to check that film out.
I might drop a “15 Things” post and/or the Stress Test here if the mood strikes me later.