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A little less than a happy high
I don't want to give the wrong idea but...
I ended yesterday feeling the dread I usually only see when I’m waking up. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about... it’s that rare (and rarer for some than others), curious feeling that you get when you wake up staring at the ceiling and consider whether putting your eyes out with hot coins wouldn’t be preferable to getting up to face the day. When you do finally lurch out of bed, it feels like all of your limbs are made of lead and attached to your body with something about as substantial as a layer of cheesecloth. Considering that this came on me at a point when I wasn’t waking up, wasn’t lying down, and could confess having a pretty good weekend, I consider the experience as a harbinger of the week to come.

Mmmmm... dread... agghghhhhh.

Saturday found me hanging out at clayrobeson’s beer and fight day. Thanks to our illustrious host, I learned something beyond, "BEER GOOD!" about our drink of choice, and had my fill of the fine and varied collection people had brought along for the tasting. Ok, so I could have gone without Midas’ Touch (a curious offering that tasted of pennies), but it was a lot of fun. Better, the day gave me a chance to hang out with folks I’ve really only met before. As I’ve said, I’ve been too isolated, and I’m really growing to appreciate this particular circle of friends.

Sunday, Paul introduced Drew to the glory of the 8:30 AM wake-up call. When Drew ignored it, Paul called me to get me in on the pestering. I deferred, somehow convincing my illustrated friend that perhaps we’d best wait until a reasonable hour to invite him to our viewing of Duel to the Death. Drew wasn’t much happier at 10, but he did answer and agree to schlep with us for the day. The movie was classic HKAT... right down to Chinese v. Japanese martial arts rivalry and the otherwise inexplicable night of a million billion ninjas (Ninjas on kites! Fifteen foot tall super ninjas! Naked ninjas with nets, "Buddha be praised!") The quotes of the day:

Drew: If you ever call me before 9 again, I’ll cut you.
Paul: You know, I consider that a challenge...

Me: Paul should really consider not calling Drew that early. I mean, we've never seen Drew angry, and it’s always the quiet ones that you have to worry about.
Brenda: I think Paul’s quieter.

Marty: thppppppppppppppppp
(Yes, Marty is vocalizing, though it appears that he’s going to run with the drooling raspberry for a while. No speculation as to the source of this curious phenomenon beyond thinking that with all of the zerberts that the child is given, it may be the single most common sound he hears.)

So why the upset? I don’t know really. I think it has something to do with being disappointed that my weekend was full enough that I didn’t get a whole lot of time to myself. As a result, I didn’t get to finish gutting the office and am un-wired at home. I also didn’t get to ride at all or drop into the gym to try to get an appointment for training. Or do a real grocery shopping. My weekend needed a third day to be complete.

That alone isn’t enough for the dread, so I’m assuming that feeling like I’m overwhelmed at work is a contributor, as is the uncertainty that’s riding on the latest bit of correspondence I’ve received. Add to that the fact that I’m just generally feeling lonely, the sense of which is only exacerbated when I have weekends that remind me of how anti-social I have been, and there’s a general recipe for disaster.

Not all is lost, though. I've a feeling that the dread would have been there one way or another, and I can at least say that I am somewhat fortified for actually living my life over the past couple of days, and am quite certain that I wouldn't change anything.

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: Edith Piaf, "Les Deux Menetriers"

4 comments or Leave a comment
From: missmelysse Date: June 10th, 2002 03:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
I've been really reclusive, myself, lately, and I've found that the more reclusive I am, the harder it is to actually involve people in my life. But I also understand the over-stuffed weekend. If I don't have down-time, I go mad.

In other news, I started reading A Natural History of the Senses last night. I'm hooked. Thanks so much for recommending it.
komos From: komos Date: June 11th, 2002 01:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
I have to work to stay in contact with people. I don't know that I'd say that I'm anti-social per se, but between my overblown sense of propriety and genuinely liking self-chosen solitude, I tend to be a bit of a recluse. I've been fortunate in that I've friends who are willing to haul me out into the world, but I think I still need to find the balance where I can have that down-time.

And as far as Natural History goes, it just struck me as something you'd like. It was a lucky guess. ;)
guitarcries From: guitarcries Date: June 10th, 2002 08:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
I know what you mean.. tonight I went out and socialized for the first time in over a week, and instead of coming home feeling satisfied, I instead feel guilty and stressed about all of the things I should have and now still need to do.
komos From: komos Date: June 11th, 2002 01:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now, too. No worries... once you get settled for the summer, things will get a lot more relaxed. Forgive yourself the one night.
4 comments or Leave a comment