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No one will ever see the world in the same way that you do - A little less than a happy high — LiveJournal
No one will ever see the world in the same way that you do
While everyone else is talking about their NaNoWriMo successes, failures, or strangely enough, their non-participation1, I've been sitting on my hands impatiently awaiting the announcement of the winners for The Everyman. This probably should have been a 'fire and forget' mission, but I've been back to their site once a week since everyone's entries were posted. There are some really interesting pieces posted, along with a lot of stuff that fills me with the urge to tell the shooter something like, "Please believe me when I say that the rest of the world does not think your baby is nearly as adorable as you do."2

For all of my browsing, I still don't have a clear sense of my chances. There are a few pieces that I'm really quite taken with. I don't know that I've enough to pull a best in category, but I am still hoping that at least one will manage to make the cut. Tomorrow seems so very far away. Yes, I am that starved for just that extra bit of validation from an entirely subjective competition.

Actually, that's not entirely true, though I'm not entirely sure what it is that I'm looking for. It's not accolades or recognition. It seems simpler than all that. Communication, perhaps? Understanding? Hope?

Gah, who am I kidding?

The fact of the matter is that I am either satisfied with the work I've been doing, or I'm not. I can say that I've been learning a lot. I can say that I wish I could summon the energy to do more. I can say that there are things that I'm not at all pleased with. All things considered, I have no idea where I stand. I do things to keep Mr. Dark at bay, not because I feel like I need to do them with every fiber of my being. The difference may be one of semantics. Mr. Dark, while he uses a name borrowed from Ray Bradbury, is my own creation... a personification of my sadness and my anger and my loneliness, named so as to be defined, defined so as to be limited. It is an intellectual construct that allows me to interact meaningfully with whatever storms brew in my head and heart.

I feel, though, that my creative state have been primarily reactive, and as a result, my relationship to the work has been incredibly volatile. I want to do something for its own sake. Right now, frustrations come either in the form of feeling like I'm holding back too much to master the skills I need, or that I'm just holding back too much of myself rather than actually putting it out on display.

Layers of censors.

Curious, isn't it, that the work that pays the bills has a great deal to do with appropriate release of materials?

1Which now includes me somehow. Either it's akin to an epidemic's antigenic drift, or it's become everyone's favorite meme.
2I don't mean to imply that all of the baby/child/pet shots are without merit, just that poorly-composed baby/child/pet snapshots would seem to be easy cuts to make in the judging. I've made this statement before, but I'm revelling in my redundancies.
12 comments or Leave a comment
ayelle From: ayelle Date: December 1st, 2005 02:08 am (UTC) (Link)
Good luck!!
komos From: komos Date: December 1st, 2005 12:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
riverbank From: riverbank Date: December 1st, 2005 03:13 am (UTC) (Link)
i think thats the curse of a perfectionist. we think it could always be better to the point where its never good enough. you may be blowing some people away with what you do, while not appreciating it fully yourself.
komos From: komos Date: December 1st, 2005 12:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
I do wish I could take a more zen approach to things...

I think, though, that having people who are doing similar work around to talk to can help to bring things back into perspective. It all can be very solitary work, and when I get left alone with my head, weird things can happen.

BTW... your show is soon, yes?
riverbank From: riverbank Date: December 1st, 2005 09:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
this weekend i'm showing in olympia
komos From: komos Date: December 1st, 2005 10:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
Would it be odd for me to say that I'm excited for you? ^_^
riverbank From: riverbank Date: December 2nd, 2005 01:16 am (UTC) (Link)
odd? not at all. thanks
komos From: komos Date: December 2nd, 2005 03:29 pm (UTC) (Link)
Think we might see some of your work soon?
riverbank From: riverbank Date: December 2nd, 2005 09:03 pm (UTC) (Link)
i'd have to get it onto digital media somehow. i'll spend some time on it
komos From: komos Date: December 2nd, 2005 09:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
I've been toying with the idea of taking a photography class just because I've not really had any experience outside of digital, and I think the perspective would do me good. I think it'd be easier to take myself a little more seriously if I could say I knew my way around a darkroom.
inahandbasket From: inahandbasket Date: December 1st, 2005 05:54 am (UTC) (Link)
it's after midnight damnit!
still not posted. *sigh*
komos From: komos Date: December 1st, 2005 12:34 pm (UTC) (Link)
I've a feeling that the results will be up "some time today," which will make me nutters.
12 comments or Leave a comment