For all of my browsing, I still don't have a clear sense of my chances. There are a few pieces that I'm really quite taken with. I don't know that I've enough to pull a best in category, but I am still hoping that at least one will manage to make the cut. Tomorrow seems so very far away. Yes, I am that starved for just that extra bit of validation from an entirely subjective competition.
Actually, that's not entirely true, though I'm not entirely sure what it is that I'm looking for. It's not accolades or recognition. It seems simpler than all that. Communication, perhaps? Understanding? Hope?
Gah, who am I kidding?
The fact of the matter is that I am either satisfied with the work I've been doing, or I'm not. I can say that I've been learning a lot. I can say that I wish I could summon the energy to do more. I can say that there are things that I'm not at all pleased with. All things considered, I have no idea where I stand. I do things to keep Mr. Dark at bay, not because I feel like I need to do them with every fiber of my being. The difference may be one of semantics. Mr. Dark, while he uses a name borrowed from Ray Bradbury, is my own creation... a personification of my sadness and my anger and my loneliness, named so as to be defined, defined so as to be limited. It is an intellectual construct that allows me to interact meaningfully with whatever storms brew in my head and heart.
I feel, though, that my creative state have been primarily reactive, and as a result, my relationship to the work has been incredibly volatile. I want to do something for its own sake. Right now, frustrations come either in the form of feeling like I'm holding back too much to master the skills I need, or that I'm just holding back too much of myself rather than actually putting it out on display.
Layers of censors.
Curious, isn't it, that the work that pays the bills has a great deal to do with appropriate release of materials?
1Which now includes me somehow. Either it's akin to an epidemic's antigenic drift, or it's become everyone's favorite meme.
2I don't mean to imply that all of the baby/child/pet shots are without merit, just that poorly-composed baby/child/pet snapshots would seem to be easy cuts to make in the judging. I've made this statement before, but I'm revelling in my redundancies.