Kid just loves him some cows (komos) wrote,
Kid just loves him some cows

Fables and reflections

Just for kicks, I've taken a few of the "What kind of lover are you?" tests that have been making their way across my flist. If it weren't for the fact that I know that have a tendency to answer in a deliberately contrary way whenever I feel like the test is asking a leading question, I would probably be really quite discouraged. As it is, having several tests tell me that I am categorically unfit for a relationship, or at least unfit for a relationship where I'm apparently supposed to strew rose petals across her path so that her feet don't ever have to rest on cold tile, is starting to work on me a bit.

The trouble? It lies in the fact that there is a kernel of truth in that evaluation. While I don't believe that I'm the cur that the tests make me out to be, I do readily acknowledge that the idea of a capital-R relationship is a... let's say challenging concept for me right now. I won't be so over-dramatic as to suggest that "I don't think I can ever love again," but I do think that the circumstances behind my last couple of goes of it have left me sufficiently unbalanced that I should really take the time to make sure I know what it is that I want and, even more importantly, who I am. I've recognized for a long while now that I tend to go chameleon within relationships, and this is really a problem. While this has worked (somehow) in a couple of relationships where she and I were mostly on the same page, having spent the past several years less one with someone who was controlling, unsure of herself, and more than a little prone to histrionics has fostered some decidedly bad habits in me.

Don't get me wrong. I've no intention of this turning into a screed. I fully acknowledge that whatever seeds were laid, I am responsible for not ripping them up, if not for outright nuturing them. It's just that it has become necessary to hack my way out of the resulting jungle, and I've not yet proven up to that task. Where things become really interesting here is that in the face of this, I've become increasingly convinced that my apartment has a mold problem that's severe enough to trigger my allergies. Coincidence?

No worries... I'm not drepressive or anything. I'm just thinking on things and considering next steps.

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