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A little less than a happy high
What is a dog's Buddha nature?
I couldn’t get up Sunday. After finally coming to terms with the house, everything kind of broke down and I fell back to patterns of sloth and apathy. I managed to rouse myself long enough to get the dog walked, but not much else. I’m not even really sure what I ate. Saturday night, I was up too late watching Cowboy Bebop on the Cartoon Network. I think I let myself stay up too late because I watched Donnie Darko with Paul and Brenda and my mind was racing with images and ideas.

Question: Was it Frank who said, “I’m sorry,” in the movie theater?

My house-sitting gig is over. I’m back in Medford and will now have to go through the long process of reclaiming that space. Paul was asking me if it would be good to sleep in my own bed, but I didn’t really know how to answer. In some ways, I feel like I haven’t really had my own bed, my own space, or my own reality for the past couple of years. I’m feeling a stranger to my own life. When I say “reclaiming that space,” I mean something far greater than just getting settled back in.

I need to make peace with who I’ve become.

Granted, this all seems less pressing today than it did yesterday when I wrote the bulk of it. Still, the disjointed feeling remains. I’m tired of being just another fat guy in a Hawaiian shirt. I’m tired of not feeling connected. I’m tired of not feeling. In some ways I wish I were in the midst of a psychotic break because it would make all of it easier to explain away. Really, I’m faced with problems that are not only my responsibility, but also my doing. I’d best get to work.

Apropos to nothing, I may pick up a copy of The Dharma Bums soon.


Current Mood: tired tired

7 comments or Leave a comment
From: uruz Date: July 30th, 2002 10:10 am (UTC) (Link)
That's why I don't wear Hawaiian shirts. Maybe it's time to go through your wardrobe and toss out the things that you attribute with your disjointedness?
komos From: komos Date: July 30th, 2002 10:19 am (UTC) (Link)


Nah, we like the Hawaiian shirts, we just don't like how anything fits these days. I could just as easily have said "fat guy in a speedo," but I didn't want to openly creep anyone out.
From: uruz Date: July 30th, 2002 10:22 am (UTC) (Link)
I always go to www.fatchicksinpartyhats.com when I feel down about my weight.

I feel so much better after thumbing through the archives.

komos From: komos Date: July 30th, 2002 10:47 am (UTC) (Link)


I think I'll slide that one into the "not safe for work" file.
From: uruz Date: July 30th, 2002 10:56 am (UTC) (Link)
You're no fun. :(
komos From: komos Date: July 30th, 2002 11:06 am (UTC) (Link)
So I'm told...

No matter, I know I ROCK!
(Deleted comment)
komos From: komos Date: July 31st, 2002 06:23 am (UTC) (Link)
Eh, it's not as bad as all that. The feeling was largely passed when I posted this, and the lethargy I blame on a night of no sleep coupled with the thought of ending my little vacation stay in someone else's house.

I'm working on the hobby angle, but I think there's a balance to be struck. It is possible to spend too much time away from home.
7 comments or Leave a comment