A diminutive old man got on the C train today with an empty grocery cart and refused a seat because, in his own words, “I don’t like to sit down unless I’m not going anywhere.” Then he started talking to people around him. He told us that he was going to Stop & Shop and took the train so he didn’t have to walk the whole way in the cold. He told us when he was born. He told us that he had been married. He told us that his wife had died, leaving him alone after 33 years of marriage.

I was suddenly struck with a wave of sadness when he shared this. ‘I wasn’t always this lonely,’ he seemed to be saying. But you know in spite of it, he was still out in the world, reaching out to people. I didn’t know whether I should cry or just stand there in awe. Damnable holiday.

I saw my ‘special friend’ today and for inexplicable reasons I was downright chipper. I think she was probably a little optimistic in thinking that I might have turned a corner. I honestly don’t know if I’m coming out of my years’ long depression, and I refuse to get too hopeful because the last thing I need is another dashed expectation. What I can do, and hopefully am doing is trying to get control of the things in my life that I can control. I’m poking my head out of my hole and opening myself (a little) to experience.

Have to see.