Kid just loves him some cows (komos) wrote,
Kid just loves him some cows

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In other news...

Sunday’s tournament went off without a hitch, and it seemed like everyone had a pretty good time. I was a little disappointed that I couldn’t play, but I know that it’s probably for the best. I’ve been taking things way too personally, and somehow I need to find my way back to a place where I can have a good time even if I’m getting kicked around. Intellectually I understand that losing doesn’t mean that I am somehow less intelligent or less talented than my opponents, but I’ve been losing sight of that of late. I get very frustrated with myself, and I’d rather not play than take that out on someone else.

After the tournament I had beer with Shelby and Drew and we talked about relationships and geek t3ch. Yesterday I spent some time with Drew while he waited for his ex to finish moving her stuff. I know that it was high weirdness for him, but I found myself back in the uncomfortable feeling that I needed to perform or entertain and that I wasn’t doing enough of either. Bleh. I was thinking about that, and came to the conclusion that I still feel like one misstep will send away my friends irrevocably. This doesn’t stem from any lack of faith in them, but from lack of faith in myself. Not being one of the “cool kids” for so long led to an inherent insecurity about fitting in and I’m constantly worrying over what it is that I have to offer. (Point of clarification: I’m not looking for reassurances here…)

I drowned my misplaced angst in Mint Oreo Cookie while watching Alien, a film I find strangely reassuring for some reason. Today, I set out determined to continue with “the change” but I’m having tremendous difficulty focusing on work.

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