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A little less than a happy high

I am sorry if I gave the impression that I was coming apart at the seams over a string of relatively minor mishaps (and a good dose of worry.) I’m well aware that these are the sorts of things that people deal with every day. I also know that everyone has troubles, and that very often these troubles eclipse my own in severity and scope. In the grand scheme of things, I’m still relatively well off. I’ve been low, but I’ve not hit bottom. I’m still breathing, thinking, and moving under my own power and that at least gives me something to work with.

That said, I really am having a difficult time of it. The cascade of events last week did send me spiraling, but not because I despaired over losing track of money and finding my 'puter fried. Rather, all of it provided just enough extra weight for my knees to buckle and for me to stumble. I know it’s irrational, but I feel like I’m carrying enough already and I just don’t want anymore. I’m tired and worn, and when even the little things I expect to hold together for me fail, I begin to nurse a sense of futility and resignation. I feel as though it’s time to give myself over to the will of whichever Fate had decided to weave my tapestry in such murky colors and stop fretting over whether I’ll see the brilliant patterns I sense in so many other lives.

The past few years have been... difficult. I’ve watched many of the basic assumptions about my life get utterly torn away, and I’m still struggling to reconcile myself to the wounds that were left behind. Admittedly, I was in no great shakes before The Troubles began, but I felt relatively secure in the design that had been handed to me. Then, my biggest concern was reconciling myself to my failure to manifest my folks’ ‘doctor/lawyer/Indian chief’ dream while simultaneously pooping out on my own hopes. It's true that I had managed to paralyze myself with my own fears and second-guessing and I can say that at the time I was pretty well screwed up. It was a little like swimming in quicksand. Still, I felt safe, and like it or not, that safety was important to me.

I don’t feel safe anymore. I worry over money a lot, not because of the things I have to do without, but for the freedom it represents. The old fear of simply not making the right decision seems to have been replaced with the new fear of oblivion as a result. I know, I know... it is time for a new paradigm. I recognize that life turned on its head has a funny way of forcing you to adjust. I also recognize that it is entirely possible to waste a life. I don’t want to go that route, and in my weaker moments, I become trapped in the idea that that is my future.

Honestly, I've never been convinced of the whole "universe provides" idea, simply because it seems far too optimistic for me. On the other hand, I do recognize that a curious and unexpected thing has happened along the way. In spite of my troubles and resulting stormy demeanor, I've somehow managed to make more and closer friends than ever before. There's a lot of love kicking around (thanks Ms_E), and somehow their hope and their faith bouys me.

I'm not sure where I'm headed with all of this. Suffice to say that I'm calmer, and I feel like my head has cleared. I still feel like I'm struggling, but today I'm ok with that. Thanks everyone for sounding in, for being there, or for just being someone I know that I can laugh with. It really has been a great help.

I think I'll go find a straw.

Current Mood: calm calm
Current Music: *Another* John McCain interview on NPR

6 comments or Leave a comment
clayrobeson From: clayrobeson Date: December 31st, 2002 07:51 am (UTC) (Link)
I recognize that life turned on its head has a funny way of forcing you to adjust.

Funny... that's the whole point of my last post.

Just don't forget that no matter WHAT happens, there are people here for you. People who do care a whole lot. And while we may not be able to shoulder any of the weight for you, we can lend our emotional strength to you, so that when times fell like they're too much, you don't break.

Your very presense comforts me in ways that I can't even begin to explain. You are this rock of support and caring, and I only hope I can be half of that to you.

If anyone deserves phenomenal blessings for 2003, it's you, my friend.
From: ex_sjc Date: December 31st, 2002 08:28 am (UTC) (Link)
You realize, of course, that this is because you slagged the Surreal Gourmet.
alex_victory From: alex_victory Date: December 31st, 2002 08:41 am (UTC) (Link)
So now that you're calmer, are you and wisdom_seeker up for coming over say Friday to watch bad mecha anime? 8)
futurenurselady From: futurenurselady Date: December 31st, 2002 08:50 am (UTC) (Link)

"I've never been convinced of the whole "universe provides" idea, simply because it seems far too optimistic for me."

Remember that, even though it does not seem so, optimism and its trappings are not truly easy. Also, the universe provides many very different things, and more than half of them are no good. A 96 year old woman said to me yesterday "whatever is waiting on the other side of the door could be bad or it could be good. Either way it will pass." Life throws us plenty of lemons, but rarely enough sugar to make lemonade. It doesn't mean we have to keep all those lemons.

GLad to hear you have a calmer, more clear head though.

riverbank From: riverbank Date: December 31st, 2002 01:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
i feel what you mean.
many new experiences to you in the new year.e
From: uruz Date: January 2nd, 2003 06:13 am (UTC) (Link)
There *is* light at the end of the tunnel. There *always* is. And it's okay to stumble, as long as you always find the strength to get back up, dust yourself off, and take another step forward.
6 comments or Leave a comment