I am sorry if I gave the impression that I was coming apart at the seams over a string of relatively minor mishaps (and a good dose of worry.) I’m well aware that these are the sorts of things that people deal with every day. I also know that everyone has troubles, and that very often these troubles eclipse my own in severity and scope. In the grand scheme of things, I’m still relatively well off. I’ve been low, but I’ve not hit bottom. I’m still breathing, thinking, and moving under my own power and that at least gives me something to work with.
That said, I really am having a difficult time of it. The cascade of events last week did send me spiraling, but not because I despaired over losing track of money and finding my 'puter fried. Rather, all of it provided just enough extra weight for my knees to buckle and for me to stumble. I know it’s irrational, but I feel like I’m carrying enough already and I just don’t want anymore. I’m tired and worn, and when even the little things I expect to hold together for me fail, I begin to nurse a sense of futility and resignation. I feel as though it’s time to give myself over to the will of whichever Fate had decided to weave my tapestry in such murky colors and stop fretting over whether I’ll see the brilliant patterns I sense in so many other lives.
The past few years have been... difficult. I’ve watched many of the basic assumptions about my life get utterly torn away, and I’m still struggling to reconcile myself to the wounds that were left behind. Admittedly, I was in no great shakes before The Troubles began, but I felt relatively secure in the design that had been handed to me. Then, my biggest concern was reconciling myself to my failure to manifest my folks’ ‘doctor/lawyer/Indian chief’ dream while simultaneously pooping out on my own hopes. It's true that I had managed to paralyze myself with my own fears and second-guessing and I can say that at the time I was pretty well screwed up. It was a little like swimming in quicksand. Still, I felt safe, and like it or not, that safety was important to me.
I don’t feel safe anymore. I worry over money a lot, not because of the things I have to do without, but for the freedom it represents. The old fear of simply not making the right decision seems to have been replaced with the new fear of oblivion as a result. I know, I know... it is time for a new paradigm. I recognize that life turned on its head has a funny way of forcing you to adjust. I also recognize that it is entirely possible to waste a life. I don’t want to go that route, and in my weaker moments, I become trapped in the idea that that is my future.
Honestly, I've never been convinced of the whole "universe provides" idea, simply because it seems far too optimistic for me. On the other hand, I do recognize that a curious and unexpected thing has happened along the way. In spite of my troubles and resulting stormy demeanor, I've somehow managed to make more and closer friends than ever before. There's a lot of love kicking around (thanks Ms_E), and somehow their hope and their faith bouys me.
I'm not sure where I'm headed with all of this. Suffice to say that I'm calmer, and I feel like my head has cleared. I still feel like I'm struggling, but today I'm ok with that. Thanks everyone for sounding in, for being there, or for just being someone I know that I can laugh with. It really has been a great help.
I think I'll go find a straw.