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A little less than a happy high
I only smile in the dark
Bloody hell.

Just when I thought I had managed to shake my air of malaise, it jumped me and belted me square across the jaw. "Reeling" doesn’t capture the full experience here... I took the hit, launched backwards, and hit my head on what I think was a concrete floor when I landed. The big D has become like a hulking bare-knuckles fighter who stands above me and lets me shake off the last hit and get back up only because it means that knocking me down again will do that much more damage.

I can’t begin to tell you how fed up I am of this pattern.

The worst thing is that I’ve got an irrational cause and effect reasoning going on in my head. I keep having instances where I can demonstrate renewed resolve and sometimes even renewed movement when a new (and sometimes even more terrible) stressor suddenly appears. Not long ago, E actually went so far as to ask me if I wanted to get better. Yeah, you’d think the answer should be obvious, but there is a queer sense I have that even committing to the idea of pulling myself out of this hole will conjure some calamity that will make things infinitely worse. Think this might be the source of my unending rut? This idea that inaction is the best course of action since it’s better to be marginally miserable than to be torturously so? It doesn’t make much sense that positive action breeds negative consequences, but then most of the time I don’t make much sense either.

There's more, but I just don't have it in me right now. Sorry.

Current Mood: Just plain old unhappy
Current Music: Garbage, "Only Happy When It Rains"

13 comments or Leave a comment
clayrobeson From: clayrobeson Date: January 28th, 2003 02:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
I know it's kinda pointless to say "If there's anything I can do" because you already know that I (and many others) are here if you need us. I also know how difficult it is to dump this crap on others. But seriously, we can take it.

All my smile karma is coming your way.

Just put your finger right here.


It's all stored up.

Come on.

Do it.

riverbank From: riverbank Date: January 28th, 2003 03:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
talking about these things does take some load off even if you feel your going in circles. say whatever like.
komos From: komos Date: January 30th, 2003 08:00 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh, there will be more, I’m sure. I do find sometimes that I end up censoring myself when I’m posting here, though. I know that there are occasions when this is entirely unfair to me. (Since I’ve claimed this as my space I should actually make it my space.) Still, I have lurking in the back of my mind that there is an audience here, and that tempers my choices. Anger is one of the first things that gets toned down or slotted to private post. I don’t want to appear monstrous or hateful, and sometimes raging publicly looks more like passive-aggressive sniping than an actual expression of self.

I should commit to writing more and to being more honest when I do. I’ll be thinking about this.
komos From: komos Date: January 30th, 2003 07:05 am (UTC) (Link)
I do, and I appreciate it. Truth be known, though, I don’t like being the ‘Charlie Brown’ of the group. It would be nice if I could be with friends and not have the latest calamity to report or the latest crisis dragging me down. I’ve noticed recently that whenever anyone asks me how I am, I don’t have anything good that comes to mind, and that bothers me. I don’t believe that I have to go it alone. It’s just that I really do feel like I’ve reached zero hour and I need to do or be something different.

On a completely different tack, I had fun at the show last night once I got past the fist-shaking over the parking space annoyance. I needed a good laugh, and I think I actually liked you guys better than the sketch troupe.

Oh, and how’s 7-ish sound for racking tonight?
clayrobeson From: clayrobeson Date: January 30th, 2003 07:21 am (UTC) (Link)


Bah, you are SO not Charlie Brown! :D I consider you more of the Worf of the group! Strong and silent with the priceless witicism here and there. :)

Seven sounds good!
bushidokelt From: bushidokelt Date: January 28th, 2003 03:28 pm (UTC) (Link)

Gazing at the abyss

nietzsche once wrote, "when you look long into the abyss, the abyss looks long into you." (or some variant thereof) (i think it was in the beyond good and evil aphorisms) anyway,
I think I identified with that sentiment to some extent. Law school seemed to present an infinite number of opportunities for self doubt feelings of defeat. I always seemed to wonder where the light was, catching glimpses of it at times, only to be cast back into shadow...At times I wondered why even bother. But it does get better...the brief times I share with my friends, relaxing, without the pressures of work or school, make it seem worth it...
you do need to rant every now and then, though to distance yourself from it all, once you talk about the stressors, the have less of a hold on you...
...so if you ever need to vent let me know...
komos From: komos Date: January 31st, 2003 06:14 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Gazing at the abyss

But see, you’ve made it this far. I once said that I envied your having gone to law school. I said this not necessarily because it meant that you were going to be a lawyer, but because you had chosen a path and pursued it to the best of your ability. It’s something I’ve not been able to bring myself to do. To make matters worse, because I never really picked myself up after having given up dreams for a career in academia, the feelings of doubt and defeat now lead me to question my ability to function in life as opposed to my ability to complete a program of study.

I don’t know. The difference itself may be academic, and all of my sturm and angst may just be an elaborate means of keeping myself from doing or being. Nietzsche also wrote, "To talk a lot about oneself can also be a means of hiding oneself." It’s pretty clear that I need to try a radically different way of being, but there’s something about that idea that’s more than a little scary.

Thanks, though.
guitarcries From: guitarcries Date: January 28th, 2003 08:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hey, I've been meaning to give you a holler. Since I'm back up here in RI we should hang sometime... I'd like to see you and any available members of the crew again. Any ideas?

And on the depression matter, man do I know how that is. You get so thrilled that you've been allowed a gasp of air after a long period of forced submersion, and before you can even get your barings you're pushed right back under again.
komos From: komos Date: January 31st, 2003 06:40 am (UTC) (Link)
Yeah, that’s pretty much what’s happened. I’m cautious not to overstate it, but I had a sense that something had shifted. If I had been allowed just a little longer to understand it, I might have been able to work with it, to shape it into something a little more permanent or tangible. The latest demands threw me so completely that I’m not entirely sure what the twinge was about.

It would be cool to see you again. As for ideas? I’ve been wanting to see Blue Man Group again, but I could be up for just about anything. Live music, museum trip, or even just hanging at a coffee shop is workable. I can scour the Phoenix and see if there’s anything interesting happening... just let me know when you think you might be free (or at least not swamped with work)?
guitarcries From: guitarcries Date: January 31st, 2003 08:28 am (UTC) (Link)
Ooh, I really would love to see Blue Man Group... been meaning on doing that for awhile. Friday or Saturday nights are generally best for me...
komos From: komos Date: January 31st, 2003 09:51 am (UTC) (Link)
Cool, I'll look into it and get back to you. I'm assuming that your email addy is unchanged?
guitarcries From: guitarcries Date: January 31st, 2003 11:20 am (UTC) (Link)
Yes, tis the same.
wisdom_seeker From: wisdom_seeker Date: January 29th, 2003 07:22 am (UTC) (Link)
My psychologist said to me this week, "You have the ability to experience such amazing joy which is what also makes you vulnerable to such deep pain." I believe this. Those who can feel one emotion so intensely have the ability to feel others with equal intensity.

I have seen you reaching to get better and slammed back down, but I don't believe it has to be that way or that positive must lead to negative. Lots of people prefer to stay in the misery that is familiar rather than risk change. It's a passive choice, but it is a choice nonetheless. Do you want to choose to not try to make changes and stay unhappy, but safe in its familiarity? Or, do you want to try to go in another direction and risk the unknown? I believe you have the strength and abilities to go in a new direction; trust in your abilities and see yourself through the eyes of those around you (e.g., ta_chuang, ms_ntropy, riverbank, myself, etc.).

I am here for you, whatever way you want/need me to be. I love you.
13 comments or Leave a comment