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I only smile in the dark - A little less than a happy high — LiveJournal
I only smile in the dark
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bushidokelt From: bushidokelt Date: January 28th, 2003 03:28 pm (UTC) (Link)

Gazing at the abyss

nietzsche once wrote, "when you look long into the abyss, the abyss looks long into you." (or some variant thereof) (i think it was in the beyond good and evil aphorisms) anyway,
I think I identified with that sentiment to some extent. Law school seemed to present an infinite number of opportunities for self doubt feelings of defeat. I always seemed to wonder where the light was, catching glimpses of it at times, only to be cast back into shadow...At times I wondered why even bother. But it does get better...the brief times I share with my friends, relaxing, without the pressures of work or school, make it seem worth it...
you do need to rant every now and then, though to distance yourself from it all, once you talk about the stressors, the have less of a hold on you...
...so if you ever need to vent let me know...
komos From: komos Date: January 31st, 2003 06:14 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Gazing at the abyss

But see, you’ve made it this far. I once said that I envied your having gone to law school. I said this not necessarily because it meant that you were going to be a lawyer, but because you had chosen a path and pursued it to the best of your ability. It’s something I’ve not been able to bring myself to do. To make matters worse, because I never really picked myself up after having given up dreams for a career in academia, the feelings of doubt and defeat now lead me to question my ability to function in life as opposed to my ability to complete a program of study.

I don’t know. The difference itself may be academic, and all of my sturm and angst may just be an elaborate means of keeping myself from doing or being. Nietzsche also wrote, "To talk a lot about oneself can also be a means of hiding oneself." It’s pretty clear that I need to try a radically different way of being, but there’s something about that idea that’s more than a little scary.

Thanks, though.
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