And don’t even talk to me about that Miracle Whip stuff. Pre-packaged products that use "Whip" as a noun are warning you of unnatural flavors, textures, or both (or worse!)* Miracle Whip tastes like mayonnaise mixed with old bologna. I can’t understand why you would want to add that flavor to anything that you’re about to eat.
(Your results may vary.)
*Ok, semi-tangential aside... I have issues with bologna and mayonnaise eaten in tandem. My mom seems to think it has something to do with her getting really ill on a bologna and mayo sandwich she had while carrying me. I don’t know. I just know I have never liked the combination. I grok wrongness there.
Cool Whip was just something one of my crazy aunts tormented me with when I was a kid. Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve had a Cool Whip sundae, my friends. (Just for clarity, that’s a scoop of frozen non-dairy whipped topping with Hershey’s Syrup and NO ICE CREAM.) Woo! :P