Kid just loves him some cows (komos) wrote,
Kid just loves him some cows

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If I could be who you wanted

I remembered another reason why it was that I had shut myself off from my music - feelings. Dealing with strong emotions while in the midst of a depression is not the easiest of tasks, and sometimes well nigh impossible. 'Course, having been shut off from them for so long, emotions now can elicit the strangest responses from me. Last night before I went to bed, I listened to Radiohead's Fake Plastic Trees and it just seemed so relevant for me that I found myself feeling deeply saddened... and that was ok. I actually felt a little uplifted and proud of genuine melancholy. I can deal with regret. I can deal with loss. It's taken the better part of five years to come to that conclusion, but it's true.

In a dream this morning, I brought all of my friends to an event that was part professional seminar, part college reunion. As I looked at them, sitting on a bench along a wall or standing nearby, I realized that I had brought them all so they could meet Michelle. I stood, chatting with them until I heard my name called, and turned to see M coming towards me. She smiled. We hugged. I picked her up and twirled her around.

After I put her down, I brought her over to where everyone was sitting and introduced them one by one, though from time to time I would come to someone and say "... and of course you remember Jim..." She was gracious and polite, and as soon as the meet and greet was ended, she smiled and excused herself. It left me feeling a lot like the way I had on graduation day, and seemed about par for the course.

In other news, my kitchen and bathroom are clean (even got a new seat for the loo with chrome fittings). There's still work to be done, but everything has a beginning.

Yep, everything.

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